Episode 25: Self Narrative And How It Affects Your Public Speaking

Melissa Reaves, Host
Well, hello everyone, you mind movie makers. I am so glad to be spending this time with you. this is the Mind Movie Makers, and we are going to study the science to the art form of storytelling. So, I want to talk about perfectionism. You don't have to be perfect, and you're not. Neither am I.

One of the things that I have noticed, and I've noticed this especially after we came out of quarantine, is that our inner dialogue shows up more to the public than we might realize in business.

One of the flags that I can see when someone's narrative inside their head might not be serving their highest good is the use of their phone.

I'm a part of a networking group where every single week we stand up, we have 30 seconds, just 30 seconds, to do a commercial about our business. And I love watching this group. There are people that get up, they have thought about it, they're funny, they use their words concisely, they put smiles on people's faces, and you can tell they're genuinely happy to share whatever that particular commercial that week needs to be.

And then I see people stand up and their eyes go right to their phone. And they have a script and they're gonna read it, and they're looking like this, and they're down at their phone the whole time, and I look out at the audience, and you see this. She's not looking at me. She's not looking at any of us, she's just looking at her phone. And I've seen this time and time and time again.

Melissa Reaves, Host (01:56.739)
And what that says is that there is a fear of public speaking, which is totally normal.

And the more you public speak, the easier and better it can get. Doesn't mean you don't lose the butterflies, but they no longer feel like bats in your stomach because you start to realize I can get through 30 seconds, I can get through a minute, I can get through three minutes, then it gets five minutes, then next thing you know, you can do a presentation for 10 minutes. Because the narrative inside your head starts to change. The reason why.

I love coaching people in public speaking is that we come through the door of storytelling. Because we all love stories and we all are, as I've said more than once.

You are a walking-talking storybook. You have so much wisdom, and the more seasoned you are in life, the more stories you have, the big chapters that you've accomplished, the fear you've overcome. All of those things are stories. And I want you to feel proud of them. I want you to look at them and say, where was the wisdom?

That I gained from that experience. Even though it hurt, it hurt like hell. But I learned so much about myself. Now going back into that meeting.

Melissa Reaves, Host (03:27.455)
If you were starting to have a dialogue about my words matter, my business matters. I am here to grow my wisdom out into the world, and these beautiful people in this meeting are going to help me do it. And I'm going to return the favor. I'm listening to them and I'm going to help them.

That's the kind of talk that I want more people to start I want everyone, but I you know more and more people, especially the shyer ones, the people who are terrified at times with public speaking. And the signs that you can see is no eye contact.

Kind of shy body language, soft voice, lots of pausing, and then a bit of self-deprecating goes on in that time too. You know, someone will get up, they'll speak, and they'll say, and I guess I spoke a little long, I really rambled, didn't I? No, no, no, no, you don't have to do that. But if you prepare and you know what you're gonna say, it doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't.

I have seen authors.

And this is a big leap for authors. They publish their book, they've had full control over every word that is on that page. They have edited it, they've rewritten it, they've highlighted, they've bolded, they know what they're gonna say. And now it's time for their podcast tour. They're gonna get on podcasts and they're gonna talk about their book, and the host is ultimately going to ask for a story that's inside that book. And I will see.

Melissa Reaves, Host (05:05.685)
And I can tell I c I will see the author look to their screen and you can tell they're reading. Why are you reading?

You wrote the story, you know the story, you lived the story, you have processed the story. Stop reading. Just tell the story. Tell the story. Look the camera in the eye like I am right now. I'm not doing this and I'm not reading. And as soon as I start to do this, you know, yeah, I am very happy to be here. It is such a joy for me to be on this podcast. I can't wait to talk about my book. Or

Thank you. It's so nice to be here. I can't wait to talk about my book. Let's start with the first story that's in chapter one, okay? And then you start telling the story that you know backwards and forwards. But what we're gonna do is we're gonna leave the crutch of reading a script off to the side.

Now, there are times in public speaking when it's more acceptable to to read the speech. And I think in speeches quite a bit, because people want to make sure that they don't miss anyone if it's that type of acknowledgement. But

I want every speech to have a personal story in it whenever possible. Okay? And in that story, when you practice it enough, you know it. You don't need to be reading it. You don't need to be reading it. You want to have those notes off to the side to reference, but not to crutch on. Okay? You don't want to be like, I can't talk unless I have my notes in front of me. That's just not true.

Melissa Reaves, Host (06:44.566)
I'm going to bring back improv. I talked about it last week and all of the beautiful things that improv brings to a human being. And if you have not checked that episode, please do. It was episode twenty four and it's about improv. But I want to bring that back too. Because I see when people take improv classes, that is so vulnerable.

That is, you really have to trust who you're doing the made-up on-the-fly story scene with and trust completely. If you don't think that that trust and the outcome of people laughing or enjoying, or even if it wasn't the greatest scene, just respecting you for trying something that's tough will

be carried on with you. The next day you're going to be in awe of what you witnessed yourself doing. And that then means that the internal narrative starts to change. It starts to go from a self-deprecating, I can't do this, I have to read it, or I'll look terrible and people will laugh at me or I'll mess it up and people will get mad at me, to I've got this. I've got this.

I know the story, I can tell it. And then when you really study storytelling, which you are, if you're listening to this podcast, you are trying and working towards becoming a more expanded self. Yay!

I'm proud of you. That's great. Not everyone had the luxury of being an actor and being in theater since they were nine. I know this. They were studying hard science, technology, engineering, math, and they had been swimming in the data. And now it's time to find the story. And that's uncomfortable. Eee, that's uncomfortable. That that what do you mean I can't have my graph?

Melissa Reaves, Host (08:41.526)
Sometimes you don't need the graph either. If you know what the numbers are representing, which is usually people, sometimes animals, could be the health of the planet, depends on what you're selling. Or healing. Sorry. Some people are like, don't say sales. another secret, everyone's selling something. Uhh you're selling your ideas through.

But the more the more that you learn to take that data, take those graphs, convert it into a story that you enjoy telling, what do you think is gonna happen with your confidence? What do you think is gonna happen with your body language?

And what do you think the audience is going to experience? Are they going to connect with you? Or are they going to be like, why is this person not looking at us? Because when you're not looking at the audience and taking and owning it, what makes them want to listen?

So if they're not listening and you and you walk away saying that was really flat, I knew everyone would hate me, well, I want you to take a moment and look in the mirror and wonder what is it that I did that did not make the audience come forward with me? Because here's another secret. And I I do believe this. I think the audience is on your side. I know they are. They want to be entertained. They they're looking forward. They're silently proud of you for standing up to do what you're gonna do.

And we're on your side. So you need to get on your side. If you're one of the shyer, more nervous speakers, or you don't trust in your own words skills and understanding of the product you're representing, that will play out to the audience. And you're shortchanging yourself. And we live in this life and in this human meat suit as this person one time.

Melissa Reaves, Host (10:37.622)
I do believe that there's more lives, but that's another subject. But learning to honor the stories that you've lived, and learning how to tell them so that the room knows more of who you are, has a little piece of your heart because you told a great story and you told it confidently, those stories then become unforgettable.

So, this week, I want you to pay attention to how your body talks to you when you are called upon. You have to speak in front of a group of people. Okay? And it could be even something as simple as you're in line at the grocery store and somehow you're in a conversation and other people are hearing and you're aware of it. How do you feel? You know, you're in the work office, you're in a boardroom meeting.

And it's your turn to speak. Are you prepared? Are you still feeling a little nervous, but you but you know you've got this, then excellent. If you're sweating, you feel like there's bats in your in your stomach, and now they're doing flips, your inner narrative is not the voice you should be listening to.

Think of it like this. Think of like, remember in Bugs Bunny, especially those of us who are Gen X, there was the angel and the devil on the shoulder. I look at that in public speaking as the devil is the chatter box. That's the negative narrative that you are listening to a little bit more than you might even realize. And it's chattering, it's not saying nice things. And then you have coach that's on the other side, the angel, the one that's like, girl.

Or bro, you've got this. Or human? Why do we have to gender everything? You've got this.

Melissa Reaves, Host (12:44.418)
That's the voice I want you to turn the volume up on. And ways you can do that is one, practice and be prepared. Two, own it, trust that your stories, your words, your energy matter, and they have every right to be in the room and at that table. And the audience is on your side. So inner narrative.

Turn up the voice that you want to hear, turn down that narrative that you no longer need, because you don't. Will this, will you start to master this? Yes, you will with commitment. Will it not happen again? yeah, no, it could. It definitely could. But this time you have the tools to recognize it, catch it, and then channel change it to a different, different self-talk. Okay?

So that's all I have to say about the inner narrative and how it affects you as a public speaker. Okay. So go go out there. Tell your stories and tell them well and have fun in them. You they don't have to be perfect. All right.